5w2d...The fear.

The fear of something going wrong at this point is overwhelming.

Since finding out the betas were doubling, I've been cautiously optimistic. I'm so excited to think about the future with our baby only to turn around and wonder if I should wait to be so excited. Should I prepare myself just in case my dreams are shattered. I know you can't prepare yourself for this kind of heartbreak but I feel like my mind is stubbornly trying to protect me from heartache. Besides Torin, who has no idea how to ease my mind, I have no one to talk to about this crushing fear. I have little to no symptoms to comfort my mind. I absolutely can't wait until my Dr.'s appointment next week.

T-11 days to first appointment/ultrasound

5w...Fatigue with a side of Insomnia

I'm incredibly exhausted when I come home at night. I mean, I can't wait to get in my pjs and call it a night at like 7:30.

Dinner...No thanks.

Nice comfy bed...Yes please!

As tired as I am, I make myself stay up until at least 9:30-10:00 since I know if I go to sleep any earlier, I'll end up waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning and not be able to go back to sleep. Well apparently that logic is flawed and no longer applies to my sleeping habits since I've become pregnant.

The day after I found out I was pregnant, I started this ridiculous pattern of waking up in the middle of the night and staying awake for a good hour to hour and a half. I thought the first time it happened that it was because it was the weekend and I was amped up and nervous about my beta results and tests, about being pregnant, and so forth. Irritatingly enough, that is not the case.

So for the last week no matter how exhausted I am when I go to bed, how early or late I go to sleep, or how fast I fall asleep I'm up at 3:30-4:00am every night for at least 45 minutes. Lucky for me this coincides with the second bathroom break.

My night looks a little bit like this...

10:00pm - (Varies) Pass out

1:00am - Wake for first bathroom visit

3:30am - Wake up - eyes open, mind active, like I never was asleep, 2nd bathroom visit.

4:30am - (varies) Slowly start to go back to sleep

7:30am - Alarm goes off.

Needless to say, the second round of sleep is nowhere near as satisfying and refreshing as the first round of sleep. I'm constantly tossing and turning since I feel like I can never get comfortable.

Call me crazy, but I'm starting to think that my mind and body are trying to break me of my sleeping habits to prepare me for life with a newborn.

Beta #2 Results...

After a very productive morning, I called in to get the results of my beta.

Beta - 193
Progesterone - 18.6

Cindy, the nurse practitioner, was very perky with her congratulations and instructions. I think I was in a daze when she was telling me the numbers because she said "Hello" a few times before I answered. She said that the beta more than doubled so that was great and the progesterone looked great for 4 weeks. I told her briefly about my freaking out on Sunday about my progesterone levels and thanked her for reassuring me that they were ok. We scheduled my first visit and ultrasound for April 2nd which will put me at a little over 7 weeks. I can't believe that I have to wait until April but then again I can't believe that April is a little over 2 weeks away. It will be great to see the baby and a heartbeat. We will be going down to see our folks that weekend so maybe we will have a nice (surprise) gift to give them.


I entered my betas into babymed.com's hcg calculator to see what doubling level looked like and where I stood with my betas. It makes me feel better that I'm more average or slightly higher than average than I thought.

Soo Cute...

Now that it is medically confirmed. Torin is ridiculously happy and excited. He went from wanting to tell no one to wanting to sing it from the rooftops. I compromised with him and told him family after the first ultrasound and friends after the first trimester. It's so cute how excited he is that it makes me even happier. Torin's going to be a great father (a worried one), but a great one nonetheless.

Blood Test aka Beta #1 Results...

70.


The nurse said it was good for 14 dpo. Not bad. Not excellent. But in the range they like to see them between 60 and 100. I know that each woman is different, each pregnancy is different, but I still worry and wonder if that 70 is good enough. I go back in tomorrow for my next draw tomorrow morning and will not get the results until Monday.

Hopefully the beta results will have doubled.

So this is what it's supposed to look like...

So I woke up decided to test. I'm not sure what I really expected but this is what I was greeted with (sorry in advance for the crappy pic)...



Umm...(squint)

Wait...(rub eyes)

Is that a positive? STFU!?!...I must be fucking delusional right now. I have somehow wished a positive pregnancy test into existence and now I don't know what reality is. Is it really positive? Let's go ask the hubs.

(Walking calmly to bed to wake up Torin)

Me: Take a look at this. (hands pregnancy test handle first)
Torin: Umm...I don't know what it's supposed to look like...
Me: (I point at side of test)
Torin: Wait I thought you were going to wait until your test date or you were late? It looks like a faint plus sign. What does this mean?
Me: (So I didn't imagine it...) Today is my test day and I'm taking another test.
Torin: What? You just took one.
Me: (Running off to bathroom for the EPT we bought to use up his medical reimbursement.)

So I dipped the test in the urine I so cleverly saved and picked it up and got in bed with Torin while the test developed. We looked over at two minutes and it looked a little something like this...



So this is what a positive pregnancy test is supposed to look like.

Well Torin is not convinced, he told me to call my doc to get an appointment ASAP. So being the good wife I called the advice line and talked to the nurse. It was pretty awkward to call them but they said to call them whenever I turn up pregnant. Pregnant. (sigh) Anyhow, they ordered a blood test stat and I plan to stop by the lab before work. I should have the results tomorrow.

Hostile Working Conditions....

I think the whole office is ready to sue the building management all over the temperature in the building. It's freaking ridiculous how warm it is in our office. All of the thermostats are set at 62 but I swear that it is more like 80 in here. We had a visitor to our office and she said that it was actually humid in our office. HUMID...inside...really...I would say that's not good then. The heat has made everyone lethargic at best. I'm getting hot flashes, I'm super tired (as in if I put my head down I would be sleep right now) and it's making the little bouts of nausea I have worse. I think the bouts of nausea is from the stomach flu Torin and I had a few weekends ago. This probably won't get fixed any time soon so I'll just have to remember Layers are my friend when I get dressed in the morning.